i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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