look no pants
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
