I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
