Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize