I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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