I think I died a long time ago.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize