i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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