I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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