I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
