I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
