I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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