Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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