Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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