you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
