So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
