nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
