I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She even gives head with a lisp.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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