By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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