Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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