I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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