My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
