i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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