I skipped work to stalk him.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
