update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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