One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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