Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
