I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im holly from the hills drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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