Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
