i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
