seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
