You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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