I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
