Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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