Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
