I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
