you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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