Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
