New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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