Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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