I cannot find my penis.
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
