I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
