Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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