I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
