it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
