May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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