girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
