if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
