I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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