The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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