i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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