Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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