I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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