1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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