I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
