Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
