My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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