She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
