Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
