I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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